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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26748190">Silent Voices - Max</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/escherlat/pseuds/escherlat'>escherlat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Life Is Strange (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:48:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26748190</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/escherlat/pseuds/escherlat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caught by the anxiety that paralyzes her, young Max tries to do what she so badly wants to. When that doesn't work, she asks for one thing</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Silent Voices - Max</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I am broken</p>
<p>Without cracks to see</p>
<p>I look at what I want, what I can’t do. The edges of the phone cut into my hand as I clutch it tight. On the screen is a single name. It burns me to look at it but I won't let my eyes close. It should burn me. It's what I deserve. The brightness of the screen reveals my emptiness inside. All it would take are a few words, but they won't come. Why won't they come?</p>
<p>I left you</p>
<p>You needed me</p>
<p>I needed you</p>
<p>We have no one</p>
<p>Again I try, with a finger over the buttons. The words always come when I'm not ready. Now that I am, they stay away. From the room below, mom and dad laugh with their new friends. How quickly they've forgotten. I haven't. Awake or asleep you're there even though I am not. I can't let you go. I won't. In frustration, I slam the bottom of my fist into my leg. It hurts, but not enough.</p>
<p>One by one</p>
<p>The cracks formed</p>
<p>Mile by mile they lengthened</p>
<p>Day by day they deepened</p>
<p>The bed squeaks as I stand and move to my desk. Another night, another failure, another confirmation that I'm worthless. I close the phone and put it on my desk. Tomorrow maybe. A promise I make each night to break the next. The nightly ritual isn't complete though. More laughter booms through the house and knocks something loose inside me. I shake as I kneel to open the bottom drawer. Inside are my unfinished promises.</p>
<p>They look without seeing</p>
<p>They hear without listening</p>
<p>Why can't I do this? Why can't I tell you what I know you need? Why can't I... even help myself? My breathing quickens and my ears fill with static as I drop the papers on my desktop. Thoughts race through me, much too fast to catch and hold. Papers. Writing. Letters. Unfinished. It's all I can see. They reach out to consume me, to hate me, to reveal who I really am.</p>
<p>I am worthless</p>
<p>Betrayer</p>
<p>Breaker of promises</p>
<p>Unfaithful</p>
<p>Yet in the midst of my panic, you call to me. Your voice reminds me to breathe. I can feel your hand on my elbow, that quick touch you'd give to help me focus. I don't deserve such a memory, even though it helps calm me. Slowly, my breathing returns to normal and I can see more than the unfinished letters. You never hesitated to help me, yet when you needed me I didn’t. It haunts me in the night, that moment where you turned to me. I wanted so much to touch you, to hug you one last time. I held myself back. I was afraid to hurt you. But I did anyway.</p>
<p>What am I?</p>
<p>Who am I?</p>
<p>A nobody</p>
<p>I even tried writing down what I wanted to say. When it came time to text it to you, my hands wouldn't work. Now it's been how long? A year? A year for you to realize that I'm not a friend, certainly not a best friend. I'm the opposite of a friend.</p>
<p>Healing is impossible</p>
<p>Too many cracks</p>
<p>Too many missing pieces</p>
<p>Some are with you</p>
<p>At first I gave you space, like mom wanted. The space was easy. It turned into hesitation then fear. I didn't know what to say. I knew you needed something, words to help you. I was afraid of saying words that would hurt you. And now I've hurt you. I've hurt me.</p>
<p>I return the letters to the bottom drawer, stand and go to the door. Quietly, I open it and tip-toe to the head of the stairs. Everyone is in the living room. By their conversation, I know they'll be there a while. I slip back into my room and carefully close the door. After I grab a coat, I open my window and climb onto the roof. It's the one thing I am able to do, one thing of yours I kept.</p>
<p>Let it go</p>
<p>Who would miss me?</p>
<p>A broken girl</p>
<p>Shattered beyond wanting</p>
<p>The roof is hard and gritty as I lay on it. Above, stars glitter in the night. There are so few compared to the sky back home, where you are. I always hope, as I lay here, that you're looking up at the stars. Dreaming, hoping, healing. Things I can't do anymore. Out here, I can't hear the life below. It's better that way.</p>
<p>No one cares</p>
<p>They can't see</p>
<p>Or don't want to</p>
<p>Though it's obvious</p>
<p>I wish I could be there. I wish... I could be the friend you need. So many things I wish. That's all I can do anymore. Wish.</p>
<p>I am alone</p>
<p>I am lost</p>
<p>Who will look for me?</p>
<p>No one</p>
<p>A pair of stars above capture my eyes. Out here, I can let myself think the things I want to. The things I shouldn't.</p>
<p>How are you? Have you healed? Have you found a way to live? Have you... replaced me? You should, I hope you do. Even though that hurts, I want you to heal, to have friends that bring you joy. Not like me, always holding you back. You're so full of life and I'm not. Scared of everything and I needed so much help that you couldn't truly live.</p>
<p>Maybe this is better</p>
<p>Maybe this is what you need</p>
<p>Freedom</p>
<p>Life without me</p>
<p>The sounds of the city are never far off, along with its stench. Exhaust and dirt mix with the scent of the trees of the neighborhood. I wrinkle my nose and try not to sneeze. </p>
<p>We used to do this together at your house. When I'd sleep over and everyone else was asleep, we'd climb out your window to look at the stars. It's why I do it here. It's not the same though without you. No one to joke with, or make up stories with, or find odd shapes in the stars with. No one I can open up to. No one to talk about hopes and dreams and fears and life with. No one.</p>
<p>I am no one</p>
<p>Would you look for me?</p>
<p>Don’t waste your time</p>
<p>Please</p>
<p>Now I look at the stars because it makes my outsides feel like my insides: alone. No one knows I’m here. I’m invisible to the world. Just one small, insignificant girl.</p>
<p>Please let me go</p>
<p>I want you to heal</p>
<p>I'll never forget you</p>
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